I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
she was eating donuts out of the garbage. enough said.
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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