Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
hahahaha what do we need the kangaroos for? please tell me we release them instead of doves
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
multiple people will be seeing my nips tonight. not mad about it at all
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Randomize
