for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
DO IT!!! IT MUST BE FATE THAT I GAVE YOU THAT CONDOM!!!!
good thing vaginas are great cup holders
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
She literally just puked and rallied AT HER OWN WEDDING. Welcome to White Trash town, America.
They were loudly fucking last night and there was way too much conversation involved. It wasn't even dirty talk, it was more like "your doing it wrong" talk
Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.
Basically.
Its 8 in the morning and I wouldn't pass a breathalyzer test, How's your day been?
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I was in a bad mood so I guilted her into giving me $100 on a weekly basis and now I feel bad but I don't know how to tell her I hustled her
i am no longer ashamed when i walk into the dining hall for sunday brunch and i'm greeted with applause for suriving my weekend
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
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