Dude ... paraplegic porn is really creative..
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
She was so loose she sounded like a jar of salsa. I didn't know that was even possible.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
With everyone putting up pictures of their moms on Facebook it's time to go single MILF hunting.
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
I apparently asked the cab driver to show us his dick and then he showed me a picture of his girlfriend
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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