i walked into the first stall,, but there was no paper, so i'm in the other one. a little kid is in the one without paper now and is making a lot of noise. curious how this'll turn out for him.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.
I knew he was a nice guy, because when we switched positions he flipped the mattress so I wouldn't have to lay in a pool of his sweat.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
Can you stop being a bitch and just take some Kaluha shots with me bro?!?
Dude she's from Moscow. I feel like I'm cheating on America.
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
