had no condoms so I just made do with an empty doritos bag.
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
So squirting runs in the family.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was about to share my drunken story from the weekend, but two friends getting married and one finding out she's pregnant makes Saturday in jail look a little suspect.
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I just fixed my mom's tv over the phone in 2.17 minutes while high. I'm a fucking professional.
I had the good sense not to tell her that my summer goal is to get fucked by a med student while wearing a party dress and sparkly shoes
dude the dog literally grabbed the condom out of the trash can and threw it in the air i'm screaming
Randomize