i really like this girl i slept with last night
you ask her out again?
yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
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