my grandpa was trying to put butter into the pepsi and i'm like "grandpa what are you doing" and he looks down and goes "well i guess that wouldn't taste good anyway"
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I just found what appears to be a tooth in my purse...anybody missing one?
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
I like to feed my guinea pigs before I get stoned. In case they get contact high and get the munchies. It's only polite.
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
He can kiss the multicultural 3 some goodbye
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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