Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos
I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
