you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
Apparently shes in the bathroom puking but eating a pot roast she found in the fridge at the same time.
Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.
the girl walking home behind me started yelling and pointing "i want an ass like hers!" i feel vaguely accomplished.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
All I can remember is posting my chicken burger in the post box. Postman is in for a treat.
You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
That's why we have robots to masturbate for us
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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