I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on
Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I rewarded myself with Taco Bell tonight for going a full week without punching my roommates in the face or wishing bodily harm on them.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Her cop pants made me imagine I was riding a unicorn and by unicorn I mean her face
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
