so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
what did gay clubs do before lady gaga
I think my goal in life now is to be a Trending topic on Twitter after I die.
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Idk we were snorting lines and making out in the stall while these people were cheering us on, on the other side. And that's when I realized he wasn't the only guy in the girls bathroom.
I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him
Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
My mom's yelling at me for being a whore and my dad's quizzing me on how to drive in winter weather....I'm home!
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
Randomize
