I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
"Don't get as drunk as I was on my birthday" has been upgraded from a goal for Friday night to a goal for my life in general.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Whatever, ill dance on the bar at applebees, don't try and act like you're above it.
Randomize
