Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.
We have a pile of chopped wood here that suggests we may have chopped down a tree of some sort.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
so dehydrated I couldn't fill the pee cup to the right line for my drug test for school. I was like sorry it was my birthday yesterday
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
Go have a frustration cry and get over it
Randomize
