I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
If I threw up, how do I still have the same piece of gum in my mouth from the beginning of the night?
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
Turns out that fresh outta jail dick is quite something.
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