I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
the beat of "birthday sex" is shockingly similar to my dry heaving rhythm. it's making me nauseous all over again.
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
Please ignore everything I told you about my girlfriends vagina last night.
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
I need thought I would ever have to use the phrase "Don't fart on that Calzone".. Thanks for that
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
I resent the implication of a jizz addiction
Randomize
