so today I found out that she used to be a he....
are you gonna get a divorce?
Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously
you are my hero
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
So now I know what having sex while surrounded by chickens feels like.
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
I just made out with his twin, technically it's the same person..... Right?
Randomize
