Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.
he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed
Passed out on her toilet. Dog licked my face to wake me. Awkward talk with her boyfriend, who hadn't been home last night. Not sure exactly what town I'm in, but I'm south. Will call for ride when I figure it out.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
if i seriously got my dick up last night, then im taking him to disney world cause thats just fuckin impressive
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
rowboat hit a rock. taking on water. going down fast. bring cheerios.
aye aye capn
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