You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
nutella sex= disaster
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
All I could think about while he was going down on me was that his moustache reminded me that I want to try something new with my pubic hair.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
Randomize
