i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
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You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
Left and drinking by a bar by myself. Everyone is in pajamas. I'm in a tuxedo. This is my life.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
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It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
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