just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
i really wanted you to get laid last night and i didnt think you were going to. so i posted porn on your facebook.it made sense at 3am
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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