Is that you in the white hat?
Fine suit yourself
I'm gonna have a badass scar
Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I want you to know that wearing office supplies as jewelry results in waking up with the wrong roommate. Also, strip clubs and vodka don't mix.
there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Come get your boyfriend. He is hammered talking to me about hot dogs and casinos.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
