neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
Goldfish can't live in a bowl filled with tequila, lesson learned.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
He added me on Facebook. I'm pretty sure he got my name from the inside of the bra I had lost in the frat house.
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
what happened last night?
we watched you eat an entire bag of dorritos in the pouring rain... you refused to come inside
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