If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
My little sister just helped me edit my nudes so that's how my night is going
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
So many questions so I’ll prioritize. How did I survive last night?
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
