if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
The only times we have to apologize in this friendship is when you intentionally punch me and that's only happened once so it's okay
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
its like my accent is a device for a 100% chance of sex every time i leave the apartment. i love being english in this country.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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