Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
Can't keep a straight face around her after she asked me to "make fuck to her."
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
Terrible idea I love it
He just looks like he'd be good in bed. He looks like he has a lot of anger built up in him and all I'm saying is that if he took out on my vagina I'm cool with that
Randomize
