I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school
oh right the one that ends on your bed
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
Randomize
