i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Randomize
