Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?
i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
so the guy who showed me the apt today is now texting me and asking me out for drinks...he's at least 20 yrs oldr than me and highlights his hair, but part of me is wondering how low i can talk him down in rent during sex? wrong?
i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.
If I die young bury me in satin. And make sure there's a taco bar at my funeral.
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
Randomize
