I hate your face
He just told me his cousin just died and I look like her. Reconsidering the sex.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?
bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
Your cock is gonna weep like a baby
Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Star Wars means nothing to me. I know only the basics. Darth is Luke's father. R2 is short, C3 is gold. Yoda sings Rainbow Connection. The kinda stuff EVERYONE knows.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
