I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.
Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.
Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.
Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
i wish i coudl send you meat via computure
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Randomize
