He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
I haven't had nearly enough lesbian experiences to fully commit to this relationship.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
WHO GIVES HANDJOBS AT 8 IN THE FUCKING MORNING
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
finals do horrible things to a person. i haven't worn pants since friday
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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