So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
had a convo with my professor before class while peeing... new level of awkward or a breakthrough in our relationship? i feel like there is no longer a professional boundary.
my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
