Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
I'll name the documentary, "The Adventures of Megan's Vagina"
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?
It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...
He always tells me he misses my clit. I feel like I should make a drinking game out of it
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
Are you planning on wandering into construction sites drunk and falling down 6' holes?
probably
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
Randomize
