my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Small penises have feelings too.
I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
We are the rockettes of vaginal bleeding
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