I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
3 of us had 22 margaritas. Hellllllo yellow cab. Goodbye morals.
just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
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