Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.
i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
"There should be some kind of award for sleeping with your ex 9 times in 3 days."
Everyone says I win the strip club
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
His roommates are gone so we had sex in every room of the house and watched the wire. What have you done today?
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
I forgot to respond before, I was apologizing for confusing sex with secret Santa.
It's officially "let him eat me out in a sundress with no panties" season. Needless to say the first date was a success.
Randomize
