why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
"Local woman assaults strangers with sex toy" is a headline I never want to be about me.
Fine I'll cuddle you but only for the purpose of trying to survive
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
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