i wants your nipples near my face. PLEASE????
i'm telling everyone you had sex with a puerto rican drug lord
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
win or lose for butler, i'm still masturbating to brad stevens tonight
cell reception changed and I can no longer text you from the toilet... that means I'll be texting you less often, just fyi
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
Randomize
