He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Well, I just watched him puke into his pitcher at the bar, I doubt he cares about anything other than the fact that he needs a new beer.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I need vodka and champagne for my new favorite drink, vodkapagne. Alternative spellings are "vodkapain" and "vom-machine"
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Okay, yeah, judgmental guy at 7/11. I'm buying g wine at 10:20 in the morning. You wanna fight about it?
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Woke up this morning to him making out with me in his sleep, then I had to go on a scavenger hunt to find a used condom before my roommate got back... it was under my pillow.
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