Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
i just got painted green i'm not about to leave for anything
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
I should have considered my snorting capabilities before breaking my nose
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
