Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.
Sorry I got completely naked in your bed, but I feel our friendship has grown because of it.
and if planning a fake elopement keeps me from fucking strangers and doing drugs, i think it's good for me
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
So she was on top of my phone and somehow called my roommate while I banged her. I picked up and he congratulated me. I was with his sister. I will take this to my grave.
True life: I inadvertently fucked a whole friend group. More details to come tonight.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
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