So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
Im just drunk enough to admit that I miss Hannah Montana.
How'd things go with that guy last night?
He threw up in the consol in my car then started crying about his ex girlfriend.
I put him in the supply closet, used the copy paper to build a fort around him and his wheelchair, then he fucked me in the fort.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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