I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
We just got really drunk and bought toilet paper. Successful Monday.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
This guy just told me he wanted to bathe in bong water with me and then tried to lick my nipple through my bra. This could be love.
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
