mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
All time low... just gave a strip tease to the theme song from Law&Order SVU.
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
I just woke up. In the port-o-potty next to our tailgate. an hour after the game started. explain.
there was a guy who was being paid to stand outside of Abercrombie without a shirt on... normally i would be okay with this but he was 40...
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
What are we just gonna be those girls that get fucked in your parents basement and not get taken to dinner? I don't wanna be those girls.
Randomize
