woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
Alex, there's no such thing as a fancy sex store.
I saw those LARP guys in the street again. One is hot, the other looks like Corey Fieldman's retarded son.
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Johns diaper came in the mail. He's freaking out thinking there's some conspiracy going on since he sharted on the drive home from st. Louis
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
What would you say is a healthy ratio of sex vs. being called a fucking asshole in a relationship?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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