Racial profiling caused me to miss two cabs but the third cabs the charm - he's playing Jesus Music
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
I just feel like everything is too perfect
He's probably a serial killer or chronic masturbator
Or both. Which is common
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Just discovered I was so fucked up last night I called in sick to work... TWICE
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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