I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
did u get his digits?
yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
I danced with this guy last night, I left like I was humped by a blind baby kangaroo trying to body-box.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
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