I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
and you said cock pushups were impossible
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
You are ridiculously similar to a unicorn, and I want to fuck that unicorn.
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