I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw
You can jump from the roof to the pool. Trust me. I have done this before.
Thanks to you and Ketel One I now have a court summons with the actual word "frolicking" on it.
I don't know what I'm more pleased with, the blowie last night or that fact that there's still 20 dollars in my wallet
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Text me if something catches fire and I will put pants on
He just used the word frick. Is that a possible red flag?
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
No I come to this class stoned every week. Except last week when I was drinking in class
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