You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I have to shower first, I forgot I peed on my feet last night...
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
I heard a crunch while giving him head. I looked up and he was eating Cheese Itz. So we made a deal that he'd take a hand job so I could eat them too.
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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