I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Do you think it's illegal to drive without your pants on?
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