I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
I'm not really sure what went on in my mouth last night but right now it tastes like what I can only imagine is a mixture of astroglide and peanut butter. You hungry?
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Also, McDonald's breakfast is now 24/7. This is it. This is how I die. Face first in a pile of hashbrowns.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
because he's a firefighter, wouldn't sleeping with him be like saying thank you to the community?
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
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