Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
Too much gin, very little bucket
while we were dancing I voluntarily took my bra off and hung it around his neck as a necklace. 2011 lets go
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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