JACOB AND UGLY BROKE UP
ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
We swapped clothes. He left in a v-neck and I left in a tuxedo. Classiest walk of shame or the gayest?
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
She was shaving her legs in the neighbors pool when we found her.
Where'd she get the razor?
Not the point.
Vegas never ceases to amaze me. Hung out with a stripper from ATL all night and got nuthin, but the next night meet a bride-to-be who gives me a bj in the elevator.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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