The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's twenty thirteen and the rando and I bonded over the fact that we're both stil using flip phones. Of course I fucked him in the bathroom. It was the obvious thing to do.
I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Found a trail of Taco Bell hot sauce packets through the garage to our back door and cheese in my bra. I'll say it was a successful Sunday Funday.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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