I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
The gay viking and his eqyptian 'queen' hooked up on our couches. They pushed them together to make a bed. Innovative, but awkward to come home from work to at 7 am.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
do you ever feel so high you're swimming backstroke and then you realize you're still laying in bed on tumblr
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I was grinding on him when mosquitoes starting biting us and ruined every damn thing. I just wanted to fuck on a slide under the stars. It's every girls dream.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
My Easter dress smells like alcohol, men, and bad decisions
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
