he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
so my dad walked in on us having sex
lulz really? why?
lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time
the bouncer made me realize that puking in line does not get you in any faster
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will
he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom
Randomize
