Swine flu. Run for my life!
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
Gentlemen...shes not going to tie her self to the table...
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
If you asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be today, I can pretty much guarantee I wouldn't have replied with "buying hemorrhoid cream on Bourbon St at 7am"
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
I would come over if there was not the impending fear of me shitting out my brains.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
Ahhh, beer. My second favorite breakfast drink.
Shame is for Republicans.
Randomize
